Product Review: The "Green" Portable Air Conditioner
I
love air conditioners. We have air conditioners in every room in the
house. Don't ask why we don't just get central air, because the sister
might hear you. It is a cherished time honored ritual to strain guts,
gash walls, and smash appendages when hauling out six air conditioners
each spring and storing them in the cellar each fall. It's tradition, so
don't argue. Anyway, to me, an air conditioner pays for itself, many
times over, on the first hot day of summer. I do have one problem
with the newer ones, though. Have you seen all those buttons on them? We
just bought a "green" portable air conditioner, and it has more
doo-daahs on it than the mother board of a rocket ship. Let's look at a
few.
To begin with, the "green" air conditioner was advertised as portable. Well, call me crazy, but if that thing is portable, I'm pregnant. It does roll on a bare floor, but on a carpet, I'd need a pack mule. Needless to say, it's staying where it is.
There are several safety precautions to follow, and they read much like all the other safety precautions we idiots need to survive, like don't run the air conditioner in the bath tub or near a swimming pool. Don't use if the wires are frayed. Duh, duh, and triple duh.
After wading through the advantages of the "green" air conditioner, the parts and features page, and the assembly and installation (ASSEMBLY????) I reached the "Operation" section. First we have a paragraph on the "power control". Did you know that the power button turns the appliance on and off? Now that I had that straight, I continued on to the "warning light", which oddly enough warns me of a problem.
The "mode control" cools, dehumidifies, or functions as a fan. I thought, if I had wanted a dehumidifier or a fan, I would have purchased one, but then what do I know. I dutifully read the information about the different modes, and took note of the **NOTES** which basically reinforced the last of the safety precautions that I and everyone else in the world skip over because the first ones are so stupid.
I really don't care about a timer on my air conditioner, so I didn't pay too much attention to this section. Trust me, if it goes off before I want it to, this "green" portable air conditioner is going back to where it came from. I connected the big hose thingy to the other whatchamacallit, stuck the panel in the window and stood back to admire my assemblation.
My glasses were sliding down to the end of my nose, and the two inevitable wet splotches had appeared under my boobs by the time I finally arrived at the moment of truth. Man vs. the "green" portable air conditioner. I was instructed to "press the power control button on."
Nuthin. I was sweating like a stuck pig and blown up like a tick from the humididity (Yes, I know I misspelled humidity. I like to because some people think it's funny, dammit) I did what every red-blooded American does when something doesn't work. I stood there for a few minutes staring at the air conditioner, waiting for the Gods of dumb luck to FIX IT!
Nuthin. A light bulb went off in my sweaty head. Where the hell was that remote? It was there when I started. Oh yeah. I put it where I would know where it was, right in the end table cubby with the other wires, attachments, and doo-daahs that we never use.
Just as I grabbed it, the dumb luck Gods came through. A blast of cool air began dispersing throughout the ninety degree living room, and all was right with the world. The sister came in with her tool belt and actually looked a bit disappointed that she didn't get to hammer anything.
To make a long story even longer, (why do people say "to make a long story short" and then keep talking, making it even longer?) I was sitting there enjoying the 68 degree room temperature when a question came to mind. Why do air conditioners have all those buttons? I don't need three modes, four speeds, or a timer/temperature control. I don't need pretty lights to tell me what mode or speed I'll never use.
So my "green" portable air conditioner gets zero for every advertized advantage except the cooling factor. And just to be clear, it's not even green.
Can't someone just sell a one button rig with an "on super cool full blast and keep blasting until I turn you off" switch? I'll take it from there.
To begin with, the "green" air conditioner was advertised as portable. Well, call me crazy, but if that thing is portable, I'm pregnant. It does roll on a bare floor, but on a carpet, I'd need a pack mule. Needless to say, it's staying where it is.
There are several safety precautions to follow, and they read much like all the other safety precautions we idiots need to survive, like don't run the air conditioner in the bath tub or near a swimming pool. Don't use if the wires are frayed. Duh, duh, and triple duh.
After wading through the advantages of the "green" air conditioner, the parts and features page, and the assembly and installation (ASSEMBLY????) I reached the "Operation" section. First we have a paragraph on the "power control". Did you know that the power button turns the appliance on and off? Now that I had that straight, I continued on to the "warning light", which oddly enough warns me of a problem.
The "mode control" cools, dehumidifies, or functions as a fan. I thought, if I had wanted a dehumidifier or a fan, I would have purchased one, but then what do I know. I dutifully read the information about the different modes, and took note of the **NOTES** which basically reinforced the last of the safety precautions that I and everyone else in the world skip over because the first ones are so stupid.
I really don't care about a timer on my air conditioner, so I didn't pay too much attention to this section. Trust me, if it goes off before I want it to, this "green" portable air conditioner is going back to where it came from. I connected the big hose thingy to the other whatchamacallit, stuck the panel in the window and stood back to admire my assemblation.
My glasses were sliding down to the end of my nose, and the two inevitable wet splotches had appeared under my boobs by the time I finally arrived at the moment of truth. Man vs. the "green" portable air conditioner. I was instructed to "press the power control button on."
Nuthin. I was sweating like a stuck pig and blown up like a tick from the humididity (Yes, I know I misspelled humidity. I like to because some people think it's funny, dammit) I did what every red-blooded American does when something doesn't work. I stood there for a few minutes staring at the air conditioner, waiting for the Gods of dumb luck to FIX IT!
Nuthin. A light bulb went off in my sweaty head. Where the hell was that remote? It was there when I started. Oh yeah. I put it where I would know where it was, right in the end table cubby with the other wires, attachments, and doo-daahs that we never use.
Just as I grabbed it, the dumb luck Gods came through. A blast of cool air began dispersing throughout the ninety degree living room, and all was right with the world. The sister came in with her tool belt and actually looked a bit disappointed that she didn't get to hammer anything.
To make a long story even longer, (why do people say "to make a long story short" and then keep talking, making it even longer?) I was sitting there enjoying the 68 degree room temperature when a question came to mind. Why do air conditioners have all those buttons? I don't need three modes, four speeds, or a timer/temperature control. I don't need pretty lights to tell me what mode or speed I'll never use.
So my "green" portable air conditioner gets zero for every advertized advantage except the cooling factor. And just to be clear, it's not even green.
Can't someone just sell a one button rig with an "on super cool full blast and keep blasting until I turn you off" switch? I'll take it from there.
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